Amateur Footballers’ Wives: What’s it really like to be married to a really terrible, part-time football player from the Blue Square North League? We capture the glamour, poverty and embarrassment of a seventh-division WAG.

Power of Negative Thinking: Psychiatrist gives his patient a complete life do-over, undermining his confidence, helping him appear ten years older and unleashing his Inner Loser. “If God hands out lemons, make bitter lemon.”

Tantric Gardening: Unemployed shaman mourns his girlfriend, who inadvertently unicycled across the Iran-Iraq border.

Lowlander A Dutch postman discovers he is “The Chosen Bloke”, last of the Time Peasants, destined to travel unimpressive distances in Time through Edam’s wormholes in a quantum shed guided by a brick-sized mobile from 1982 and powered by Greenwich Village Mean Time, an effete form of energy from Manhattan’s Bohemian quarter.

The Great Tube Robbery Confused underworld kingpin embraces senility, reminiscing inaccurately about the Kray Triplets and his time as a bookie’s runner for Guy Ritchie.

The Moons of Martin Amateur astronomer discovers a second Earth and plans to emigrate there.

Parked by Demons Camden baglady explains why Primrose Hill is about to erupt.

Brain Contents

Richard Nash's Skull Contents by Miles Cole

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